What Is Passive-Aggression? A Social Psychology Podcast Episode.

At some point in our lives, we will encounter someone who is being passive-aggressive towards us. Whether this is a friend, loved one or work colleague, people will always be passive-aggressive towards us in some fashion, and this can make work situations uncomfortable and sabotage friendships and other relationships. Therefore, in this social psychology podcast episode, you’ll learn what passive aggression is, how to deal with a passive-aggressive person and what causes passive aggression. If you want to learn more about social relationships, relationship conflict and how to manage conflict in relationships, then this will be a brilliant episode for you.

Today’s psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by Social Psychology: A Guide To Social and Cultural Psychology. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.

What Is Passive Aggression?

Passive-aggressive is when someone doesn’t get visibly angry but they express their hostility in passive-aggressive ways designed to confuse and hurt their target. For example, blanking a person, not wanting to engage in conversation and just ignoring a target are all examples of passive aggression. Other examples of passive aggression include avoiding responsibility for tasks, missing deadlines, withholding critical information, frequently underachieving in contrast to what they are actually capable of, and sabotaging group projects amongst others.

For example, a few days ago and what birthed the idea of this psychology podcast episode was that one of my housemates went away back home for a few months and two other housemates without permission turned the missing housemate’s room into a library. They put about sixty books in the housemate’s room without permission and I was texting the housemate and they asked the other housemates to remove the books from their room. A week later the books were still there even though the housemates said they had moved the books, so the missing housemate asked me to remove the books. I did. I put the books into the bedroom of the person who books belonged to and they aren’t using their bedroom, because they sleep with another housemate. That’s a whole different story.

Yet one of my housemates was furious that I had moved the books so they barely spoke to me on the Sunday and they blanked me all day on Monday. Regardless of the friendly conversations I tried to engage with them.

That’s passive aggression.

Even now the housemate hasn’t spoken to me about how furious they were.

Anyway, when it comes to dealing with a passive-aggressive person, getting angry or nagging them will only put them on the defensive. This makes them make up excuses and deny responsibility so this isn’t a good way to deal with passive aggression. Thankfully, later in the podcast episode, we’ll learn about some of the healthier ways to confront passive aggression and handle relationship conflict.

On the whole, the reason why I’m talking about passive aggression on a psychology podcast besides it being a human behaviour, is because we will all encounter passive aggression in our life. As aspiring or qualified psychologists, it’s important we learn how to deal with passive aggression from our peers, our clients and in the mental health services we work in. Since if we allow passive aggression to impact the therapeutic alliance and our work relationship then this might lead to very negative outcomes for our clients and decrease therapeutic success.

This is something we have to avoid at all costs.

That’s why this knowledge is critical.

What Causes Passive Aggression?

Passive aggression comes from a deep-seated anger, frustration and hostility that a person isn’t comfortable expressing directly to the target. This is why when you’re dealing with passive-aggressive behaviour, you should bear in mind that all their behaviour underlies a deep sadness as well as unhappiness. For instance, my housemate was (maybe is still) really angry with me for moving the books they put in the missing housemate’s room without permission. Yet they aren’t comfortable confronting me about it. Partly it is because I know they have avoidant attachment so they will avoid conflict at all costs. Another facet of it is that they probably know they were in the wrong to not remove the books like they told the missing housemate they did.

Why Is Passive-Aggression Dangerous?

Passive aggression is dangerous because it is very damaging in relationships. The target of the passive aggression typically feels powerless, frustrated and unable to get the passive-aggressive person to cooperate with their conflict management efforts. This could lead the target to enable the passive-aggressive person’s behaviour and assume all the responsibility and taking on a parental role they don’t want.

The most damaging aspect of passive aggression is that in the end, all the conflict, anger and resentment will still come to a head and need to be resolved if the relationship is to continue.

When my housemate was being really passive-aggressive, I felt powerless, uncomfortable and just awkward. It was so awkward to be in my own home but feeling like I had to be confined to my bedroom so I didn’t have to interact and run into my housemate. Who was just blanking me and radiating anger at me.

In addition, passive aggression can be really frustrating to the target because it’s hard to prove its passive aggression or if you’re making it up and overreacting. Or whether this passive aggression is unintentional, so this can lead to more conflict. Especially, if people struggle to have an open and honest conversation about the problem at hand.

Personally, when my housemate first started being passive-aggressive to me by not responding when I came home from spending time with my family and offered them to share my caramel-donuts with them. Then when they didn’t respond, I said it again and I got an angry “okay”. I felt really unsure if they were being passive-aggressive or not and this feeling only got worse. I felt a little gaslit by myself, because I didn’t know if I was overreacting, underreacting, if I was in the wrong for moving the books out of the missing housemate’s room and so on. It was just frustrating to me that yet again my housemate’s avoidant attachment was impacting me.

I was being punished for helping the missing housemate get the books that didn’t belong to them out of their room.

Is The Silent Treatment Passive Aggressive Behaviour?

Technically, it depends if the silent treatment is passive-aggressive behaviour, but generally I would say yes. Due to the more extreme forms of the “silent treatment”, like being completely ignored and refusing to respond to the target’s attempts to communicate. These are more direct ways to express anger, frustration and hostility so technically, they don’t count as passive-aggressive behaviour. Yet small versions of the silent treatment like pretending not to hear a friend’s comment or failing to acknowledge a friend in the hallway are signs of passive aggression.

In addition, silence can be a very powerful and effective way to passive aggressively shame and hurt a target because the silent treatment can be a quiet form of “verbal” abuse. Even more so when someone in a position of power, like a parent, uses silence to manipulate someone vulnerable. Like a child. Since being ignored by someone you like or love is deeply hurtful and it can cause lasting harm against the target.

As a result, you can deal with the silent treatment by using better communication as this can help to change someone’s passive-aggressive behaviour. Due to once you’ve identified the toxic behaviour, you can take a step back, stop participating in the toxic behaviour yourself and affirm the passive-aggressive person’s inner anger. For example, instead of me keep trying to engage with my housemate, which is what I ended up doing because if they were going to completely ignore me, there was no point trying to communicate with them. By taking myself out of the situation, the passive-aggressive person could see that I was no longer being impacted by their behaviour and it wasn’t hurting me anymore. So whatever power they thought they had over me had gone.

Afterwards, you can affirm their anger by validating it. Of course, the passive-aggressive person is likely to deny their anger at you because the whole point of passive aggression is so they don’t need to confront their emotions.

Anyway, to handle the silent treatment you can compliment their areas of competence, reinforce the behavioural changes you want to see and don’t be afraid to revisit the subject if needed.

Personally, I’ll be the first to admit that this is something I need to get better at. Me and my housemates have tried to have calm, validating and supportive conversations so many times and I used to think we would make great progress. We would validate each other, we would compliment each other on what we liked about the others and we would ask for certain areas to be improved but when me and the missing housemates noticed the other two housemates were saying the right things but they weren’t changing or putting in the effort. In fact, they were getting worse, we had a few more meetings but we just gave up trying.

Some people will just never change and it’s frustrating.

Hopefully, your experiences will be different.

How To Deal with Passive-Aggressive People?

As mentioned earlier in the episode, passive aggression typically comes from underlying sadness, anger and/ or insecurity, and sometimes the person might not even be aware of these emotions. Therefore, the passive-aggressive behaviour can be an expression of these emotions or an attempt to gain control in a relationship.

When it comes to dealing with passive-aggressive people, you need to be mindful about how you respond. You might want to be passive-aggressive yourself but expressing your anger and frustration like this is likely to only encourage the passive-aggressive person to act that way and nothing changes in the relationship. The behaviour inside the relationship only gets more toxic.

As a result, it’s useful to show the passive-aggressive person that you respect and value their perspective and this might help to address their underlying sense of insecurity. Just make sure you never apologise for unfounded offences or this means you’re placating the passive behaviour person.

For instance, I would never apologise to my housemate about moving all the books out of the missing housemate’s bedroom. My passive-aggressive housemate put over 60 books in their bedroom without permission turning it into a library and when the missing housemate asked to move it, I was simply putting the books where they belonged. If the passive-aggressive housemate wanted to have a conversation with their partner (another housemate) telling them to stop buying books because they have no space for them, then they should do that. They shouldn’t keep putting their rubbish in other people’s bedrooms without permission.

However, one of the best solutions and this is not ideal is for you to limit your time with the passive-aggressive person. As well as if you do decide that confrontation is the best path forward, I wouldn’t recommend it but believe me, I know how tempting it is and sometimes confrontation does seem like the best path forward. It’s best not to be accusatory to the passive-aggressive person as you calmly explain how the behaviour makes you feel.

Again, in my experience because I know my passive-aggressive housemate has avoidant attachment that just adds another layer of complexity. As well as limiting your time in their presence is not ideal, especially if you live with them. It can make you feel awkward, stressed and like you’re being restricted in your own home, that is not fun. Yet I get more stressed and frustrated being in their presence than being confined to my bedroom so I guess it works in a way.

How Do You Respond to Passive Aggressive Behaviour?

When you encounter passive-aggressive behaviour, it’s useful to manage your own emotions effectively, so remove yourself from the situation or practice some self-soothing techniques whilst you get your emotions in check. Afterwards, you should try to address the passive-aggressive person’s concerns directly, set clear boundaries and if you think it’s needed, spend less time with the passive-aggressive person.

Otherwise, it’s very likely that you will only get hurt and I don’t want that for you.

What Can you Say to A Passive-Aggressive Person?

When you talk to a passive-aggressive person about their toxic behaviour, it’s important that you never apologise if you’ve done nothing wrong, you hold them accountable for their behaviour and you try putting your needs first. Of course, the passive-aggressive person is likely wanting you to blow up, start shouting or screaming and even start being passive-aggressive yourself. Don’t fall into that trap.

Instead the best way to talk to a passive-aggressive person is to be calm and directly address the issue at hand being specific about what upsets you and what behavioural changes you would like to see.

In my experience, putting your needs first is a brilliant way to improve your mental health because after I stopped trying to be friends with a housemate that was only taking energy from me. Instead of giving me back anything in return, I felt a lot better even if the housemate thought I was horrible, abusive and “helping doesn’t come naturally to me”. I couldn’t believe they said that and everyone I’ve told has been shocked, because I’m always helping people without a second thought.

So when you put your needs first, passive-aggressive people and people who use you will react badly but you are the most important person so you need to do what’s right for you.

Social Psychology Conclusion

At the end of this psychology podcast episode, we’ve learnt a lot about passive-aggressive behaviour from what it is, what some examples of passive aggression are, how to deal with passive-aggressive behaviour and so much more. This is important information for all of us to be aware of because whether it’s a friend, a client or a colleague at work, we will encounter a passive-aggressive person at some point in our lives. Yet being able to handle a passive-aggressive person, protect our own mental health and manage the relationship conflict are all critical life skills that will help us thrive in the future.

That is all I want for all of you wonderful listeners. I just want you all to thrive.

And now you know how to thrive in a passive-aggressive situation.

I really hope you enjoyed today’s social psychology podcast episode.

If you want to learn more, please check out:

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Have a great day.

Social Psychology References and Further Reading

Finzi-Dottan, Ricky and Toby Karu, “From Emotional Abuse in Childhood to Psychopathology in Adulthood,” The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease (August 2006), vol. `94, no.8, 616-622.

Goldsmith, Rachel K. and Jennifer J. Freyd,” Effects of Emotional Abuse in Family and Work Environments: Awareness for Emotional Abuse,” Journal of Emotional Abuse (2005), vol. 5 (1), 95-123.

Güler, H., Öztay, O. H., & Özkoçak, V. (2022). Evaluation of the relationship between social media addiction and aggression. Gaziantep University Journal of Social Sciences, 21(3), 1350-1366.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/passive-aggression

Long, N., Long, J. & Whitson, S. (2017). The Angry Smile: The New Psychology of Passive Aggressive Behavior at Home, at School, in Marriages & Close Relationships in the Workplace and Online. Hagerstown, MD: The LSCI Institute.

Tronick, Edward Z."Emotions and Emotional Communication in Infants," American Psychologist (1989) 44,112-126.

Weinberger, M. Katherine and E.Z. Tronick," Infant Affectivee Reactions to the Resumption of Maternal Interaction After the Still-Face," Child Development (1996), 67, 905-914.

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