Why Is Validation Important? A Social Psychology Podcast Episode.

After a recent experience of a friend invalidating me, it got me thinking about the importance of validation in social relationships. Then I started thinking about validation in mental health because often my mental health has gotten worse after someone invalidated me, my feelings and my experiences. Also, I’ve been running a little experiment this week when I try to be more mindfully validating of others and it has led to more rewarding, deeper conversations and connections with others. Therefore, in this social psychology podcast episode with some clinical psychology implications, you’ll learn about what is validation, why is validation a social superpower and how to validate other people more often. If you enjoy learning about social relationships, validation and psychotherapy then this is a brilliant episode for you.

Today’s social psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by The Psychology Worlds Magazine. A brilliant magazine containing two psychology books and five gripping psychology articles per issue for a bargain price. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.

What Is Validation?

Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, proposed that validation is to communicate with someone that their responses are understandable and make sense for their current situation or life context. As well as Linehan argued that experiencing little validation as a child is what makes us emotionally dysregulated adults.

Of course, there will be times when we don’t agree and we don’t want to validate someone’s experiences, because we believe their actions are wrong. Yet Linehan isn’t suggesting validation is the same as agreeing, instead validation is just legitimising, signalling and telling the person that it is okay to feel how they do given everything they have been through.

This is very different to saying they were right to act this way.

Personally, I do agree with Linehan to a large extent because my needs weren’t always met as a child, I was abused and the sexuality part of me was always invalidated and hated on. This led me to develop a disorganised attachment style as a child and this led to a lot of emotional dysregulation as an adult. My social environment not understanding my autism, my needs and the emotional safe space I needed as a child really didn’t help my emotional regulation.

However, I think validation is more than what Linehan originally described because invalidation can happen to you at any age. As well as whenever you’ve been through trauma as an adult, like I was with my rape, invalidation is still like a stab wound.

Why Is Validation Powerful?

In my experience, validation is amazing because often whenever you’re experiencing a mental health difficulty. Be it depression, anxiety or a trauma-based difficulty like hypervigilance or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You feel nervous, anxious and scared to tell someone else what happened to you and what you’re feeling. I always felt like I was stabbed, punched and kicked whenever someone would invalidate me over my mental health and my rape. It was psychologically painful and whenever someone does validate you, your feelings and your experiences. It makes you relax, smile and trust that person a lot more.

It was only the other day during a conversation when I wasn’t proud to admit that after my rape, I became fully dependent on my best-friend (at the time) to do a lot more for me because my mental health was so bad. I didn’t know if this friend would judge me, hate me or criticise me when I told her this story but she validated me and said it was understandable. That made me relax and we continued the wonderful conversation.

Validation really can be a social superpower that improves friendships.

Greville-Harris et al. (2016) conducted a study where participants completed a nearly impossible maths test and afterwards, they needed to share their feelings with an experimenter. The experimenter was either validating and supported the participant by saying that lots of people felt the same as them, or they were invalidating. The experimenter wasn’t sure why the participant was stressed. The study found that invalidated participants felt worse and had higher heartbeats than validated participants. Also, the invalidated participants felt less safe in the social interaction as well as they showed less eye contact, smiling and they frowned more. This shows the invalidated participants were less engaged.

On the other hand, validation is healing, makes us stronger and more resilient. For example, Kim and Kim (2013) found that when participants were validated about their experience of being excluded in a lab, the participants reported less aggression, negative mood and higher self-esteem. As well as Linton et al. (2012) found that validated participants could hold a bucket of water at arm’s length for longer than invalidated participants. The task was physically painful but the validated participants who were told things like “it’s painful, isn’t it?”, didn’t find the task took as much of a toll on their mood.

In addition, validation can be a form of emotional regulation and it can be used to de-escalate conflict. Since you’re acknowledging a loved one’s or friend’s pain, distress and you are telling them that you understand. This makes your friend or loved one feel supported so over time this can led to increased feelings of trust, intimacy and the feeling of a safe relationship. Thankfully, you can learn validation and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy gives us six tools we can use to become better at validation.

On the whole, validation is important because if we validate our friends, our peers and our loved ones then we can help everyone feel happier, safer and better about themselves. As well as our friends and loved ones will be more engaged with us and less aggressive during conflict.

6 Ways To Validate Others According To Dialectical Behavioural Therapy

Firstly, according to DBT, paying attention is important in validation because you need to be fully present with the other person. This is because paying attention is important to making someone feel seen and heard. As well as when you give someone your full attention by turning off your phone, not multi-tasking, actively listening and communicate you’re listening by using non-verbal body language, you are telling the other person that they matter to you.

Secondly, you can validate someone by “read minds”. In this technique, even if the other person hasn’t told you, you want to guess what you think the other person might be feeling. For example, when I was raped, I was feeling anxious all the time, I was having panic attacks and I was in fear for my life. If I was the one telling you what happened to me and my rape, you might guess that I was anxious, so you might affirm that that’s really scary. This type of validation might allow me to slow down, be vulnerable and receive emotional support from you.

Although, I will admit when it comes to “Reading Minds”, you need to be careful because if you incorrectly guess what emotion the other person is experiencing then it might make the other person feel worse. And if you don’t know the other person well or you’re not sure what they’re feeling then it might be a good idea to form your suggestion in terms of a question. Like, were you scared? This gives the other person the freedom to correct you and perhaps talk about their emotions.

Personally, I might call this a more advanced skill and this is something that I try from time to time, but I am not always sure what someone is feeling. Part of that is just autism and this is a skill that I need to practise more.

Thirdly, you can validate someone by repeating back what someone has said because this shows them that you’re listening. It’s useful here to use the same exact words that the other person has been using and that you talk in a way that’s comfortable for you so it sounds natural.

For instance, yesterday in the car driving back from an ambassador event me and another psychology student were talking to another ambassador who might have been depressed. He was saying how he couldn’t feel happiness, it didn’t enjoy anything and he had been struggling with this feeling for months. We validated him by repeating back what he said, making small suggestions and drawing on our own examples that show what he’s feeling is completely normal.

The next two go together, because validation is all about understanding. When you validate someone, you are showing them that what they’re feeling is okay and understandable based on their experiences and given everything that you know about them. For instance, after my sexual trauma, experiencing social anxiety, depression, flashbacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and more is understandable given that I was raped.

Moreover, there is always a reason why someone is feeling how they are. It might be because of a trigger, a situation or another cause. I had so many triggers after my rape that would make me be fine one second then another second I would be absolutely terrified and in fear for my life that I was going to be raped again. Therefore, when it comes to understanding someone and validating them, it’s useful to remember that there are lots of things that can trigger someone. Like bodily sensations, emotions, events, thoughts amongst others.

Chances are, you will not feel the same way as the person you are trying to validate. For instance, if your best friend hates going home for the holidays and you love going home. You are not feeling the same emotion, but you can still validate them and tell them that their emotions are understandable. Such as “of course you hate going home to your family, they’re always given you a hard time about your grades, your sexuality and your job,”

Building upon this idea of understanding, it’s useful to acknowledge the valid too by mentioning how anyone else in their shoes would feel the same. Like “of course you hate going home to your family, anyone else would because they’re always given you a hard time about your grades, your sexuality and your job,”

Another example if we apply this to dating is “of course you’re upset, you’re going through a breakup,” In this example, you’re validating the other person by showing how their emotions make sense given the situation instead of their thoughts or other vulnerability factors. You’re highlighting and validating the toughness of their situation.

Finally, the sixth technique is validation by showing equality. Whenever you’re validating someone, you are showing them that they are an equal to you. You are not better, superior or stronger than them because you aren’t experiencing a given emotion or thought or feeling. Validating someone by reacting naturally and genuine to whatever they’re sharing with you is great, and showing them compassion and taking their emotions seriously without making them sound fragile and weak is great.

Also, what I do find interesting is a massive part of validation is never treating the other person or yourself worse because of their emotions. Validating the other person is also about validating yourself at the same time.

I find this interesting because this is what I see in toxic relationships. One partner can become so fixated on validating and calming down the other partner and they don’t understand, they aren’t aware and they don’t validate their own feelings. They think they’re overreacting, not doing enough and they treat themselves worse for validating the other partner.

Do not do this. You are always valid as is the other person you are supporting.

Validation Phrases

In addition to the six techniques I mentioned above from DBT, I wanted to share with you the following validation statements that you can use in your personal and maybe professional life. I’ve been trying out these statements all week and as I mentioned earlier, using these statements really have led to some wonderful conversations. Conversations were the other person has trusted me more, become more open and just wanted to talk to me longer.

You don’t have to use these statements exclusively in a mental health context, I’ve used them when a friend was hinting about concerns with their job, concerns about their future and any other time when my friends might have needed a little bit of support.

Here are the validation statements:

·       I think your feelings are valid

·       Your views are understandable

·       I get what you’re saying

·       It makes sense that you feel that way

·       I get what you’re saying and I understand why you feel this way. Here’s what I would add based on how I see the situation…

The last one is a good way to validate someone else whilst disagreeing with them.

Social Psychology Conclusion

At the end of this psychology podcast episode, you now know that validation is different from agreeing with the other person. Since even when you disagree with what someone is saying about the same situation, you can and probably should validate them and understand why they are feeling how they do. This is difficult, especially when you don’t really understand why the person is feeling what they’re feeling and this is why practice is important.

I mentioned earlier that I have had a lot of great conversations over text and in-person this week because I have been mindfully practising validation whenever I can. I have had more relaxed, deeper and more enjoyable conversations and it’s felt great.

Ultimately, the six keys to validation are understanding, repeating back what the other person has said, be fully present, read minds, show equality and acknowledge the valid. As well as I would say as a final point make sure you speak in a way that is natural and comfortable for you given everything you know about the other person’s history, experiences, personality and more. This all helps to make your validation sound real and less hollow.

Validation is a brilliant, compassionate and amazing superpower. So let’s get practising and start reaping the rewards.

I really hope you enjoyed today’s clinical psychology podcast episode.

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Social Psychology and Clinical Psychology References and Further Reading

Carson-Wong, A., & Rizvi, S. (2016). Reliability and validity of the DBT-VLCS: A measure to code validation strategies in dialectical behavior therapy sessions. Psychotherapy Research, 26(3), 332-341.

Carson-Wong, A., Hughes, C. D., & Rizvi, S. L. (2018). The effect of therapist use of validation strategies on change in client emotion in individual dbt treatment sessions. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 9(2), 165.

Fasulo, S. J., Ball, J. M., Jurkovic, G. J., & Miller, A. L. (2015). Towards the development of an effective working alliance: The application of DBT validation and stylistic strategies in the adaptation of a manualized complex trauma group treatment program for adolescents in long-term detention. American journal of psychotherapy, 69(2), 219-239.

Greville-Harris, M., Hempel, R., Karl, A., Dieppe, P., & Lynch, T. R. (2016). The power of invalidating communication: Receiving invalidating feedback predicts threat-related emotional, physiological, and social responses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 35(6), 471-493.

Kim, E., & Kim, C. (2013). Comparative effects of empathic verbal responses: Reflection versus validation. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 60(3), 439–444. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032786

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Linton, S. J., Boersma, K., Vangronsveld, K., & Fruzzetti, A. (2012). Painfully reassuring? The effects of validation on emotions and adherence in a pain test. European journal of pain, 16(4), 592-599.

Neacsiu, A. D., Rizvi, S. L., Vitaliano, P. P., Lynch, T. R., & Linehan, M. M. (2010). The dialectical behavior therapy ways of coping checklist: development and psychometric properties. Journal of clinical psychology, 66(6), 563-582.

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