How To Tell If Your Adult Child Is Hurting By Listening To Them? Clinical Psychology Podcast Episode

The majority of listeners of The Psychology World Podcast are between 40 and 50 years old and from conversations I’ve had with listeners, a lot of them have children or younger family members. As a parent, they want to protect, love and make sure their child is okay and happy whatever their age. No one wants their adult child to be suffering in silence and feel like they have no place to go, but for a wide range of reasons, sometimes an adult child doesn’t want to open up despite their suffering. Therefore, in this clinical psychology podcast episode, you’ll learn about the phrases adult children might use to subtly communicate or hint that there is something wrong and they’re hurting and suffering. These phrases offer us a chance to explore and help them open up so we can discover why our adult child is suffering and most importantly, how to help them. By the end of this psychology podcast episode, you’ll understand how to tell if your adult child is hurting by listening to them, how to help an adult child and more. If you enjoy learning about parenting, developmental psychology and mental health then this is a great episode for you.

Today’s psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by Introduction To Psychotherapies: A Clinical Psychology Introduction To Types of Different Psychological Therapies. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.

How To Tell if Your Adult Child Is Hurting By Listening To Them?

A lot of adult children will never come to their parents and simply say that they’re struggling. Partly, I think this is a cultural thing because in Western culture, we’re told that we need to be strong, independent and we need to be able to solve our own difficulties no matter what. Also, on a personal level, there might be some kind of fear of judgement and fear of failure. We don’t want to admit to our parents that we’re struggling because, what will they think of us? How will they react? And so on.

Therefore, adult children are more likely to subtly drop clues about their struggles, whether they mean to or not. This is where the 7 phrases that we’re going to talk about in today’s podcast episode are critical.

In addition, as aspiring or qualified psychologists, this is an important topic to talk about because at some point in our clinical psychology career, we will have to support and work with a parent. This adult might have adult children, the client might be worried about them and their adult children might be a large or small maintaining factor in their mental health difficulties. As a result, if you are aware of these phrases and the true meaning behind them then maybe we can use this knowledge to help our clients understand what’s happening in their own lives and how to rectify it if appropriate.

Personally, I never wanted to open up to my parents because they were invalidating and they never really supported me in my mental health up until the past few years. I know a lot of parents aren’t like this but sometimes adult children don’t want to open up because they don’t want to be emotionally hurt by their parents’ reactions, responses or invalidation.

What Are the 7 Phrases That Reveal Your Adult Child Is Hurting?

Firstly, an adult child might simply say “I don’t want to talk about it” and I think we can all remember instances where we have heard this or we have said it to someone. it was only the other week where I said it to my friends and housemates, because I didn’t want them judging me for this particular thing that was normal to a lot of people, but they would have disapproved. As a result, when someone says “I don’t want to talk about it”, you could take this as a sign of rebellion or avoidance. In reality, this is actually a sign of fear of being misunderstood and/ or a protective shield against the vulnerability of opening up.

I’ll explain more about what parents can do later in the episode but for me, I always find it easier to open up and overcome this “I don’t want to talk about it” after the person has shown me that they will respect, listen and even if they don’t agree with what happened, they won’t invalidate me.

Secondly, an adult child might say “I’m just tired all the time,” and normally you might brush this off as them not sleeping very well. This might be a cause for concern all by itself because you might wonder why aren’t they sleeping, what’s on their mind and so on. Yet feeling tired could be more than a lack of physical rest and sleep, it could be chronic emotional fatigue and anxiety, depression, burnout as well as trauma can be the cause of this fatigue too.

Personally, during the worst of my mental health caused by my rape trauma, I was constantly fatigued. Yes, it was partly because of the lack of sleep because I couldn’t sleep very well with the constant PTSD, flashbacks and nightmares. Another aspect of the constant emotional fatigue of having to relive the trauma over and over and the constant panic and anxiety attacks and so on.

Thirdly, an adult child might say “you wouldn’t understand,”. For a parent or friend, this might be very hurtful to hear and whilst, I have never said this directly, I often think it. This is often why I refuse to open up about a lot of different things to friends and parents and other family members. When I say “you wouldn’t understand” this isn’t rejecting them. It is me focusing on my fear of judgement and me not wanting the past pain that this person has caused me to repeat. I really want to be understood but I have no idea whether I should even let you in or not.

And actually, this is something I really struggled with when my partner broke up with me because they had a lot on their plate, their chronic health was getting worse and they didn’t have time to date me despite how really sweet and lovely I am (I know it sounds like an excuse from them but I know it wasn’t and this isn’t the point of this episode). Yet I was very reluctant to tell my friends and housemates when they asked me “how was your day” because I didn’t want them judging me or blaming me again. There’s a lot of past pain that they’ve caused me because they would blame me when my social relationships went wrong. Sometimes they were completely right and sometimes they were seriously wrong too and they caused me a lot of pain.

I didn’t want that to happen again but I eventually told them briefly and it was okay. Then I told one of my good friends about it and they were lovely and sweet about it.

Fourthly, an adult child might say “I feel like I’m falling behind,”. This might sound like a strange one at first because a parent might not understand why an adult child feels like they’re falling behind. Or if they’re a university student or adjusting to a new job then we might normalise this behaviour and dismiss it as a normal part of life. Although, in reality, this simple phrase might reveal a deeper sense of inner shame and a lot of young adults feel they’re failing because of unfair, invisible standards about their life milestones, relationships as well as careers.

I remember my brother mentioning this in passing once and this is one of the reasons why he didn’t go on social media a few years ago. His mental health wasn’t great because on Facebook he saw how all his childhood friends were getting married, having kids, buying houses, etc. He wasn’t and he didn’t have any of that so he was struggling and really felt like he was falling behind. Thankfully, he’s doing a lot better now.

A fifth phrase that an adult child might say is “I’m just trying to get through the day,”. This is a phrase that I used so much in 2024 when I was dealing with the fallout of my rape. Of course, a lot of people use this phrase without having to deal with trauma but this is survival mode in a sentence. This simple phrase means that someone is experiencing overwhelm, hopelessness and/ or anxiety and your child might feel like they’re drowning in silence.

Personally, my entire 2024 and even some of my 2025 when I was dealing with my anorexia, I constantly felt like I was drowning, I was struggling and I was being forced to take it just one day at a time. Thinking about anything more was just too much and my physical and mental health would change too much day-to-day to possibly plan anything more than that. It was awful and I didn’t want to open up about it because I didn’t want my friends and my parents to know just how much I was struggling or how I was dealing with it. Also, I didn’t want their invalidation, I didn’t want them to say stupid things that wouldn’t support me and so on.

Penultimately, an adult child might say “what’s even the point,”. This is something I have said or at least thought a lot over the past year. Especially, around the time I did my three suicide attempts, because “what’s even the point” is a major sign of hopelessness. This means that an adult child might be questioning their purpose or their will to even keep going and this phrase needs to be heard with deep care.

I don’t mean you immediately need to be concerned about them being suicidal, but you need to listen to them without judgment and with compassion and empathy. Listen to why your adult child doesn’t see the point and just create a safe space for them to talk about what’s troubling them. It could make the world of difference, and this is something that I really appreciate about my family now. When my parents ask me how I am, there is a safe space where I can talk about the truth, what little things are annoying me and more. Sometimes it is nice just to have a space where I can talk about the small annoying things as well as all the great and wonderful things happening in my life.

I think it’s better to let the small annoyances out and use them as bonding moments with family and friends before they morph into something larger that drains your mental health.

Finally, an adult child might say “I’m fine,”. This is definitely something all of us have done a hundred times in our life. Most of the time, if we’re close with the person or we know them very well, we can tell when this is a lie. For example, when my housemates say “I’m fine,” most of the time I know they’re lying and they’re putting up this emotional armour to deflect my question. Sometimes when adult children say this, they are genuinely fine. Yet when it is overused or delivered too quickly or with a flat tone, it is often hiding the fact that the other person simply doesn’t feel safe enough to tell you the truth.

What Can Parents Do to Help Adult Children?

I think the most important thing when you hear your adult child use one of these phrases is to approach this with a sense of openness and curiosity. In other words, don’t take it personally because the emotional pain your adult child is already experiencing will make them withdraw because they are overwhelmed. Yet if you get annoyed, angry and if you push them to open up then they will only withdraw even more because they won’t see you as a safe space. As well as parents should listen to what’s beneath the surface because when adult children use these phrases, they are giving you clues to their real emotions and experiences so listen to their timing, repetition and tone.

A personal example is that my family got really angry at me after I was raped because they were saying how they were going to drag me down to the police station and more. That was terrifying for me and that anger, that annoyance and that invalidation of me and my emotions was the last thing I needed given how much I was struggling.

In addition, it’s a good idea that parents model openness by sharing their feelings and doubts so you can invite more honesty from them. This is something I like to do and why I don’t think it’s bad to share small annoyances and small things you don’t like. This creates a space where you can be honest with each other about your lives and you can drop the pretence that you and your lives are perfect and fine.

Also, it’s useful for parents to validate your adult child’s experiences because instead of automatically offering solutions, just try and validate them. For example, it can be really meaningful to hear something like “That sounds really hard. I’m here if you want to talk,”

Finally, parents can offer their adult child steady support because changing relationships, getting through to a withdrawn adult child and creating a safe space will take time. It took me and my family months of work on both sides to have the great relationship that we have today. Yet a simple, repeated message like “I love you no matter what” can slowly help to break through the defensive walls your adult child has put in place.

Clinical Psychology Conclusion

Ultimately, at the end of this psychology podcast episode, it’s important to be aware that no adult child will ever say “help me” (and if they do that is amazing). I couldn’t think of saying anything worse. But if you truly listen to what your adult child is saying, how they are saying it and how often they say it, then parents really can become a safe haven for adult children no matter what they’re dealing with.

And that is a lovely and powerful feeling for both a parent and an adult child to have.

I really hope you enjoyed today’s clinical psychology podcast episode.

If you want to learn more, please check out:

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Clinical Psychology References and Further Reading

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202505/7-phrases-that-quietly-reveal-your-adult-child-is-hurting

Kamis, C. (2021). The long-term impact of parental mental health on children’s distress trajectories in adulthood. Society and mental health, 11(1), 54-68.

Pan, Y., Chen, R., & Yang, D. (2022). The relationship between filial piety and caregiver burden among adult children: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Geriatric Nursing, 43, 113-123.

Risi, A., Pickard, J. A., & Bird, A. L. (2021). The implications of parent mental health and wellbeing for parent-child attachment: A systematic review. Plos one, 16(12), e0260891.

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