How to Recover After Ghosting? A Social Psychology Podcast Episode.

Ghosting in dating is never fun. It is wrong to suddenly cut off contact with someone and disappear without a trace, for example. Not only can this lead to negative mental health outcomes, low self-esteem and other undesirable outcomes for the person who was ghosted, but it can take a while to recover from ghosting. Therefore, in this social psychology podcast episode, you’ll learn how does ghosting impact someone, how to recover after ghosting and how to thrive. If you enjoy learning about dating, social psychology and the psychology of ghosting then you’re in for a treat.

Today’s psychology podcast episode has been sponsored by Social Psychology: A Guide To Social and Cultural Psychology. Available from all major eBook retailers and you can order the paperback and hardback copies from Amazon, your local bookstore and local library, if you request it. Also available as an AI-narrated audiobook from selected audiobook platforms and library systems. For example, Kobo, Spotify, Barnes and Noble, Google Play, Overdrive, Baker and Taylor and Bibliotheca.

What Is Ghosting?

In case you’re new to the term “ghosting”, this refers to the digital act of vanishing when someone cuts off all contact with someone else without warning. Typically, this is done in romantic settings, like online dating, and in this episode, you’ll focus on what ghosting makes a person feel and how to recover.

Personally, whilst I’ll do a future podcast episode on why people ghost others in the first place, I’ll admit that I almost ghosted someone myself. I was talking to a guy on a very, very famous dating app that everyone uses, regardless of sexuality, and we had nothing in common but the guy kept talking to me. I didn’t reply to him for two days and then I realised he might think that I’m ghosting him and I might end up ghosting him by mistake. Therefore, I sent him a message saying that I don’t think I was the right fit for him and I wished him the best of luck in the future.

I’m mentioning this little story because it seriously isn’t hard to overcome ghosting and by sending a little message like that, it prevents all the negative mental health outcomes associated with ghosting.

I am just not a fan of being or ghosting people.

What Happens When Someone Realises They’ve Been Ghosted?

Whenever a person first realises that they’ve been ghosted, they have an uncomfortable feeling because they know something is off. Even though, you likely dismiss it because you think the other person isn’t replying because they’re busy, they’re working hard or they’re just naturally bad at texting back. Later on, you start to realise that this is a pattern and you realise that they aren’t going to respond to you.

This is even worse when after you’ve checked their social media, their profiles or anything else. You see that they’re still alive, they’re still online and they are still living their life. You might see that they’ve been on WhatsApp, their dating app or they’re posting on social media. This realisation further reinforces the realisation that you’ve been ghosted.

They choose to stop communicating, they choose to disappear and they are the ones causing you to experience a wide range of emotions.

In addition, it’s okay, normal and understandable that at this point, you’ll have a million and one questions. For instance, you’ll be wondering what the hell happened. Did something bad happen? Did you offend them? Were you too boring? Did you x, y and z and so on. These questions are normal.

What Emotions Do People Experience After Ghosting?

After you’ve realised you’ve been ghosted, you are going to be experiencing a lot of emotions, because whilst everyone is different and processes ghosting differently. There are four main emotions that people experience.

After being ghosted, you might feel shame because ghosting can be humiliating. You might be feeling rejected and you might be constantly wondering, why they didn’t bother saying goodbye. Was it because you weren’t worthy? Were you being too demanding or needy? Was there something wrong with you so they didn’t want to say goodbye? This sense of shame can be increased because in today’s society, your relationship status is often linked to personal success. We tend to think of people in relationships as more successful than those who aren’t in a relationship. Even though, in reality, this sense of shame can have a benefit. It can make you more reflective so you start to consider what do you want in a relationship and what boundaries could you set next time to protect yourself.

After being ghosted, you might experience anger, because ghosting is disrespectful, it’s rude and it’s outrageous. To me, it is one of the rudest things that you can possibly do to someone. If you’re chatting to someone online and you’re on a dating app, the other person has been kind enough to start a conversation, show an interest in you and they’re putting effort into the conversation. Even if you don’t feel a connection, want a relationship with them or anything else, the least someone could do is say a goodbye.

Just don’t ghost people. It’s rude.

Anyway, anger is a very understandable emotion after being ghosted. Also, you might be angry that the other person took the “easy way” out because they ghosted you, they’re okay and it is down to you to deal with the emotional fallout. Something they do not have to experience.

Equally, a ghostee might show anger towards themselves, and this can make the emotional toll of ghosting even worse. You might be wondering how you couldn’t have foreseen this, what had you missed and why did you let it happen and so on.

Personally, I would mention that when you’re dealing with these self-critical thoughts, please remember to practise self-compassion. Remember that whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay and lots of people get ghosted, a lot of people feel angry, sad and shame after being ghosted and all your thoughts and feelings are perfectly valid.

Moreover, it’s useful to note that anger can be very empowering as well. If you block your ghoster on social media, if you delete your old messages and remove photos of them, these acts might seem very small. Yet what you’re actually doing is reclaiming your sense of control and this is a great first step towards moving forward.

Another emotion people often experience after ghosting is sadness, because the loss of connection often hits people hard. Since you might not only be sad because you’ve lost a potential person in your life, but you might be grieving over the lost relationship and the fun potential future together. These feelings of sadness are amplified more by the fact that you can’t get closure because the person who ghosted you never offered up any explanations.

This is called ambiguous loss and this is a lingering uncertainty that keeps you stuck replaying every moment in your relationship and makes you wonder what went wrong.

Building upon this, self-blame is another emotion people typically feel after ghosting because as you don’t have any answers, self-doubt creeps in and you start making up your own reasons for why you were ghosted. For instance, you might wonder if you were too clingy, if you texted too much or whether you were too emotionally distant. Of course, these are good questions to be asking yourself at the end of any relationship, but it isn’t a good idea to do this after being ghosted. You will be vulnerable, feeling a lot of different emotions and you’ll be blaming yourself when this wasn’t your fault.

The person who ghosted you should have given you a reason.

Finally for this section, all these different emotions can lead to a decrease in self-esteem because when you doubt yourself, your thoughts can spiral and feed your inner critic. Therefore, because the ghoster never gave you clarity or closure for what happened, you’re stuck trying to solve the mystery for yourself without all the information. This might lead you to wonder whether you were fun enough, if you’re enjoyable to be around and if you’re attractive enough.

Decreases in self-esteem aren’t fun.

What Are Some Coping Strategies After Being Ghosted?

Firstly, when it comes to being ghosted, it’s a great idea if you cut ties with the person. This can include blocking the ghoster on social media, deleting messages and their contact in your phone. This can be beneficial because it can be freeing, it can help you to move on and some people compare it to shutting a door on someone who’s left you, and firmly locking it behind them.

Secondly, to cope with ghosting, you can seek answers and I am very unsure about this coping strategy, because as someone who’s faced emotional abuse and gaslighting. If I wanted to understand what everyone was thinking, how other people were feeling and why a particular person was so interested in being emotionally abusive towards me. This would not have been healthy, it would have prolonged my suffering and since I’ve put this part of my life behind me. My mental health has been a lot better, I’ve been a lot happier and it gave me the mental headspace to pursue dating.

However, some ghostees just cannot let it go that they were ghosted without trying to find answers. This can include scrolling through the ghoster’s social media, their messages and sending one last message in an effort to find closure. Although, it has to be said, more often than not the search for answers ends in frustration and the mystery of why you were ghosted doesn’t get solved.

Personally, if I were you, I would focus on other coping strategies, talking to a mental health professional if needed and I would practice self-care. Searching for answers would be the last thing that I would do because as I mentioned a moment ago, it only prolongs suffering and it tends to end in heartbreak.

Thirdly, you can embrace acceptance and you can use rationalising. I think this might be one of the most useful coping strategies because when someone ghosts you, it isn’t about you. It’s about them. Therefore, after you’ve deleted messages, blocked the ghoster and you practice self-care. This frees up your headspace so you’re better able to focus on things that make you happy, like your friends, your family and maybe exploring new romantic interests. Also, it’s useful to bear in mind that by accepting your situation and moving on, it doesn’t mean that all your emotions will disappear. It means instead of lingering in your sadness as well as anger, you’ll be able to focus on your own healing.

Finally and I think this is rather unfortunate, but one coping mechanism after being ghosted is to become the ghoster. Since people who have experienced ghosting are more likely to ghost other people themselves. This could come from the belief that everyone ghosts, why can’t I? But this isn’t the best coping strategy, because you’re hurting others, and ghostees tend to find ghosting other people doesn’t bring them the relief they want. Mainly because they already know how hurtful it is to be on the receiving end of ghosting.

What Are the Long-Term Effects of Ghosting?

As I’ve hinted at in other parts of this episode, being ghosted can lead to emotional fallout in the long term because it can lead to anxiety as well as depressive symptoms. This is because the lack of closure leaves ghostees feeling stuck in a loop of uncertainty.

Another long-term effect of ghosting is it creates trust and self-esteem issues for the person. Since ghosting leaves unresolved questions that make the ghostee doubt themselves for months, or even years in extreme cases, and they might become more guarded in future relationships. This isn’t ideal because this can make it harder for them to trust new partners and it can make genuine connection more difficult.

Ultimately, it can create a cycle of failed relationships and insecure attachment.

However, there is a potential benefit of ghosting in the long term because after you’ve recovered and healed from all the negative impacts, it gives you an opportunity to grow and reflect on the experience. As aspiring and qualified psychologists, we know the importance of self-reflection and wanting to improve our actions for the future, so we can apply this knowledge to our dating life too. Due to, being ghosting can lead to people reflecting on their needs for boundaries and this can help them to come away from the ghosting experience stronger and better for future relationships.

Social Psychology Conclusion

It wasn’t until near the end of this psychology podcast episode that I realised I have been on the receiving end of “small scale ghosting”. By this, I mean me and a few guys on a dating app have “matched”, we’ve exchanged one or two messages and the guy doesn’t reply again. I think when I was new to online dating, this did hurt in small ways because these guys were really attractive and it would have been nice to talk a little bit more. Yet we had barely had a conversation so I recovered very quickly and it didn’t really have an emotional impact on me.

However, ghosting leaves deep scars on people and it can decrease their self-esteem, their mental health and their ability to trust others. And thankfully, healing from ghosting is definitely possible, but the echoes of ghosting often last far longer than the relationship itself and it can continue to cause difficulties for weeks, months and even years after the experience.

If you’re struggling for the long term and it’s impairing your relationships, please consider reaching out to mental health professionals.

Ultimately, I want to end this episode by stressing that honestly, if someone is willing to ghost you without any reason, any closure and anything at all. Then you are so much better off without them. You are special, you are important and you are lovable.

You deserve someone who recognises you for the amazing person that you are.

I really hope you enjoyed today’s social psychology podcast episode.

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Have a great day.

Social Psychology Reference and Further Reading

Di Santo, J. M., Montana, D., Nolan, K., Patel, J. P., Geher, G., Marks, K., ... & Thomson, G. (2022). To ghost or to be ghosted: An examination of the social and psychological correlates associated with ghosting. EvoS Journal: The Journal of the Evolutionary Studies Consortium, 12(1), 43-62.

Freedman, G., Powell, D. N., Le, B., & Williams, K. D. (2024). Emotional experiences of ghosting. The Journal of social psychology, 164(3), 367-386.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/intimate-relationships-in-the-digital-era/202412/haunted-by-silence-the-emotional-aftermath-of

LeFebvre, L. E., & Fan, X. (2020). Ghosted?: Navigating strategies for reducing uncertainty and implications surrounding ambiguous loss. Personal Relationships, 27(2), 433–459. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12322

LeFebvre, L. E., Allen, M., Rasner, R. D., Garstad, S., Wilms, A., & Parrish, C. (2019). Ghosting in emerging adults' romantic relationships: The digital dissolution disappearance strategy. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 39(2), 125–150. https://doi.org/10.1177/0276236618820519

Navarro, R., Larrañaga, E., Yubero, S., & Víllora, B. (2020). Psychological correlates of ghosting and breadcrumbing experiences: A preliminary study among adults. International journal of environmental research and public health, 17(3), 1116.

Pancani, L., Aureli, N., & Riva, P. (2022). Relationship dissolution strategies: Comparing the psychological consequences of ghosting, orbiting, and rejection. Cyberpsychology, 16(2).

Pancani, L., Mazzoni, D., Aureli, N., & Riva, P. (2021). Ghosting and orbiting: An analysis of victims' experiences. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(7), 1987–2007. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211000417

Park, Y., & Klein, N. (2024). Ghosting: Social rejection without explanation, but not without care. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 153(7), 1765.

Schokkenbroek, J.M., Hardyns, W., & Ponnet, K. (2023). Online relationship dissolution strategies: A scoping review on ghosting, orbiting and breadcrumbing. Presented at the 73rd annual conference of the International Communication Association. Toronto, Canada, 25–29 May 2023.

Thomas, J. O., & Dubar, R. T. (2021). Disappearing in the age of hypervisibility: Definition, context, and perceived psychological consequences of social media ghosting. Psychology of Popular Media, 10(3), 291. https://doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000343

Timmermans, E., Hermans, A. M., & Opree, S. J. (2021). Gone with the wind: Exploring mobile daters' ghosting experiences. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(2), 783–801. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520970287

Wu, K., & Bamishigbin, O. (2024). Ignorance is not always bliss: A qualitative study of young adults' experiences with being ghosted. Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12547

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